OK here goes nothing. Oh Great Neko I just had to do this... I hope you'll forgive this most humble fan of Yours for butchering Your Original Characters, Your Storyline and probably Your mother tongue as well.

But here it is the Omake from Hell (or rather Italy).

DISCAIMER: I don’t own a thing! Not even one measly character!

What weapons will you choose oh brother mine.

Birman sighted as she accompanied Kritiker's latest recruits to the weapon room so that they, just like all new agents, could find a weapon of choice. The exuberant kilted terror had already had her questioning the wisdom of taking on such a motormouth as a spy and possibly a killer. All in all she hoped that the somewhat intimidating older brother would make up for the shortcomings of "Fido"[1] as he had insisted on being codenamed. The observation that Kritiker usually chose cat breeds as their aliases hadn't fazed the American in the least as he had observed that IF he had to be someone's dog he should at least get a dog's name. On a happier note Mickey had declined choosing his codename and would therefore possibly get stuck with "Angora", not very appropriate, all in all, but at least in line with Kritiker tradition.

In her distraction Birman found herself almost walking into the armoury’s door which caused Teddy to drawl in a somewhat exaggerated and obviously fake Scottish accent: "Oh I see yeah need a dog 'cause you are kin' o' blind".[2]

Faintly bristling Birman opened the door with a flourish revealing an enormous hall filled with weapon racks practically ready to collapse in a heap under the weight of the weapons piled on them. The brunette then observed: "There you go. Choose wisely. In here you will find at least one example of practically every hand weapon known to mankind. Find the one you think will best conform to your abilities." Seeing Teddy making a beeline for an enormous looking bazooka, leaning against the wall, Birman felt forced to comment: "Of course small and easily overlooked weapons are preferable... Also should you have something peculiar in mind you can always request a custom weapon made for you."

"Oh" observed the American with a suddenly downtrodden air "You think people might notice this little thing here?" "Theodore" interjected Mickey "You really thing people would overlook a guy walking in the middle of Tokyo with a freaking bazooka?" "OK OK I get it small and deadly... By the by Mickey what are YOU going to choose?" answered Teddy "You are not going to keep up your bat act..."

"Of course not" answered the mountainous man "a measly wooden or aluminium bat would break too easily a reinforced titanium alloy one on the other hand...".

"You want a bat?" queried Birman "That could be quite smart. You would seem nothing more than a baseball fanatic..." Of course killing someone with a bat might take a little too much time plus it would be messy, she thought but didn't add, respecting Kritiker policy of not interfering much in the choice. "As for the titanium alloy that can be fashioned, if you are sure" she added. "Yeah Brother you still got time to change your mind I mean bats can be nice and all but wouldn't you like a change?" added Teddy while busily perusing a collection of two handed swords the smallest of which was almost taller then him. "Hey Birdman...[3] what's this meany here" he asked pointing to a huge slightly curved blade resting in a wooden sheath.

"That's a no-dachi the biggest sword a samurai might have carried before the Meiji era. It takes great strength and skill to use one. Of course should you choose it Kritiker will provide you with some training..." "Nah no need" exclaimed Teddy cutting the monologue off "I was just curious... now this other one would look cool with my kilt" he mused considering a claymore. "But it is still too tame for me!" he concluded before flitting to the other side of the room where a collection of guns and other assorted firearms rested on a black velvet display. "Mmmh Berettas and practically any gun you might wish for... Now what's this? Mmmh a squirt gun it has got distinct possibilities. I make a person mad... said person attacks me and Mickey gets to perform his bat act. But all in all I'd rather be able to pull my weight in a fight. Let's see... Oh dear I got it!!!" he exclaimed running towards a stack of mean looking pole-arms. Birman almost got ready to comment that the lance while seemingly difficult to use could actually be easily mastered [4] when she realised that the crazed loon had actually picked up a ridiculous looking gigantic spatula. "Ahah" crowed the American, totally oblivious seeming to Birman's twitching left eye, "There you go that's quite the Badass Spatula... Yo how about this Mickey?" Seeing as his brother seemed to be quite floored he decided to ask for another's point of view "Hey Birdman oh sorry BirdWOman?" Birman's left eyebrow started to twitch in time with the corner of her eye creating an interesting effect on her face. "Well" she answered, her voice forced to the calm and collected tone, secretaries to Persia perfected in the course of their training, "the giant spatula is an extremely difficult weapon to use. Only a family of Okonomiyaki [5] chefs cum martial artist has perfected the techniques necessaries for using it effectively in battle. The training apparently takes up a time stretch of ten years before the sea, making Okonomiyaki from dawn to dusk..." with a faintly evil grin which coupled with her facial tick gave her a very sinister appearance she added "But seeing as you like that weapon, I will arrange for you to commence your training as soon as tomorrow. You can take the first train for Kobe..." she continued all the while thinking "Yes! I'm getting rid of the pest, oh yes!" So that she almost missed Teddy's crestfallen "Oh well in that case I'll have to find something else..." Which brought her down from her blissful cloud down to Earth and reality, in the form of a kilted nuisance, which now seemed intent on analysing the exotic weapon collection. As Teddy picked up a funny looking twisted blade Birman delighted in telling him "Oh the Kriss... Well I know this excellent arm master in Calcutta..." she chirped, thinking, now filled with confidence, "Oh just you wait Mister Stout! Just you wait! ah! I'll send you to the earth's end for training! I *will* get rid of you... BWAHAHAHAH." Just as soon as Teddy put the Kriss down and started looking at another oddly shaped sword Birman interjected "Oh the Parang good choice! This guy Sandikan in Malaysia that I know could teach you *all* about that...Oh well if you are not interested..." She left off as Teddy put this second sword down. The scene repeated itself with different kind of destinations for the better part of the night. "Rapier... Italy! Balalaika bow… Novosibirsk! Nunchaku... you are in luck Balankaya range in China!" Birman having decided to get rid of the kilted wonder always mentioning the most out of the way instructor possible. That is until disaster struck in the worst possible and cruellest of ways! Teddy, having in the last half an hour moved down to the shurikens, in the hope of at least getting back to Japan, and not for ten years either, picked up an innocuous looking white piece of fabric. Which immediately revealed its dangerous side, in the form of a diamanted edge, by slightly cutting the finger caressing the fabric "Itai!" he exclaimed studying his fingers before turning to face what he surmised would be a smirking collected secretary. Seeing Birman go ghastly pale, giving Aya and Manx pointers as to the proper complexion for a redhead, Teddy figured that it might just be payback time. So it was that, with the most innocent expression in his book, the American asked "Birdman, and this? Where could I learn to use this shuriken napkin? It seems pretty appropriate for an ex-waiter like me, don't you think so?" All the ticks Birman had lost during the long hours which had went by came back with a vengeance as she stuttered: "Ww why Tttt Teddy... tttthhh that's an oo odd weapon choice. It's dd ddifficult finding an instructor..." "OK I get that" Teddy insisted "but is there one? And where would I have to go?" Birman's right hand started twitching spasmodically at the same time so did her left shoulder, as she managed to become even paler. All of this before exploding... "Aaaaarrgghhhh I am the only qualified instructor Kritiker has in the use of the shuriken napkins!!!!" she let out panting, her complexion having veered to a worrying shade of red. Trying to regain her composure, and mentally cursing her decision of recruiting the Americans, she then ended the discussion with: "I can teach you. Here! Now! In about half an hour you *WILL* have learnt all there is to know... Or else...".

Luckily for all concerned, Mickey in the meantime had gotten his custom Titanium bat, Teddy proved to be an extraordinary fast learner.



Well that was pretty OOC... Also definitely not up to your standards Nekojita. But I really had to write it! Even if we all know that things didn't go that way! Also please excuse my poor English. at least I hope I made you smile. Even if we know my humour is of the crazy kind.

Ja ne


Oh right the notes eheh…

[1] Roughly meaning faithful...typical italian dog's name

[2] I'm just trying to reconstruct what Scotsman sounds like to me... but heck whether they actually sound like that to an English speaking person I really can't say.

[3]The d is there, it's not a mistake.

[4]Well it is one of the first weapon you learn in Kung fu courses... It's not that easy though x.X;;; But maybe that's just me...

[5]For non Ranma fans and non Japanese speaking people... that is to say Japanese "omelette".

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