DISCLAIMER : Wow official looking…
Any person and event in this story is purely fictional, any resemblance with actual people or happenings is purely coincidental!
Ooops wrong disclaimer… hehe…
OK here goes nothing I don’t own Teddy! He’s all Neko’s, I’m just borrowing him for a while and will put him back once I’m finished playing. Arigatou for the loan Nekojita-sama!
Also I don’t own the Weiss boys, which might be a good thing considering that I am a scientist, of sorts, and slightly odd to boot …
Birman : "She’s crazy I tell you!! Look at what she keeps subjecting me to!"
Brad comes on screen his glasses conspicuously absent : "She actually is evil too! *She* stole my glasses!"
Lilla : " But Brad-lily I just had to… And now I can prove that there is a scientific explanation for your flashing glasses! Ahah this evil man here (pointing to a disgruntled Bradley) put a partially reflective coating on his glasses to look more intimidating! It’s all a cheap trick look…" Puts on Bradley-chan’s glasses. They reflect the light giving Lilla an evil look.
Bradley : "My point exactly! Weiss, she’s evil, crazy and a scientist… Need I say more? Hunt the tomorrow of this dark beast !!!"
Lilla : "Hey you were the one who wanted more scene time! It’s not my fault you didn’t specify you didn’t want to take part in an omake. You even signed the contract stating that you wouldn’t try to hurt me, get me hurt or get out of your assigned role, no matter what."
Brad : "Damned fine print!! I didn’t read it so…"
Lilla : "Your fault! Ignorantia non excusat! (A lawyer friend is always useful…) So shut up and take it like a man!! "
WARNINGS : Hmm craziness, abuse of poor Bradley-pooh. OOC. Hints of yaoi smut going on behind the scenes, as this crazed chick is too much of a chicken to write a real lemon. Read I got some curious reactions from the person who read my first essay…
VIDEOTAPE : MISSION IMPROBABLE
(An omake… as if the title didn’t give it away)
Tokyo, present time, a shadowed apartment, all that can be heard is a woman’s voice on the phone : "Yes delivery is still on for this very evening. No there won’t be any hitch. Of course there won’t be anyone around, such delicate information shouldn’t be shared… Also it could be my head if I were found consorting with you… What do you mean there might be an itch? Make sure no one is coming over… I already did that! And what do you mean I will do it again? Who do you think you are for ordering me around?! Oh you aren’t? Ara… I see"
A long silence ensues then the woman speaks again her tone this time is somewhat peeved: "No I most certainly won’t leave them in the acid too long… Now listen it was an accident and if you hadn’t kept me on the phone for half an hour, bitching at how I would leave the photos of your little "Irish reportage" in the acid too long nothing would have happened anyway!! And I also suggest that we avoid a repeat of said situation… You know the time and place. Being on the phone is risky, as you very well know…" "Yes I did make sure no light touched the film! Listen, last time I just made a little mistake!" A mutter follows said exclamation "One that you should eternally be grateful for… there should be a law against taking pictures of scary scarred psychopaths in drag…" Then after listening some more she proceeds in a normal if somewhat strained voice: "Darn it! I’m not an incompetent!!! Who do you take me for? Ragudoru?" A faint superior snicker can be heard coming from the phone this time. When the woman starts speaking again her voice is thick with barely suppressed anger: "What do you mean I need a refresher English course… My accent isn’t appalling!!! Listen, you try speaking English with one linguistically challenged florist every damned Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for one hour and we’ll see what comes out… Yes in two hours… be here!" a faint click and the line goes dead.
Some time later that same evening…
Birman smiled ecstatically as she got out of the dark room she had to equip in her hideout to develop her treasured photos. It had taken her an unhealthy amount of time to gather together all the material needed for the development of films, as well as a crash course in developing, and several botched essays with a client’s films before she felt confident enough in her skills to even touch her "precious". 
Now finally after all this time she could contemplate the heady sight of a certain couple of feared assassins cuddling in the buff. Of course having something hotter would have better appeased her yaoi fan girl spirit but alas it wasn’t to be… She was just starting to measure the maximum size she could pick for that poster enlargement of the picture where you could see a hint of Fujimiya’s crack when her bell started to ring like crazy. Quickly Birman started to hide all evidence (that is to say all the 30 copies of the three pictures she had taken, 5 copies of each for both the client and herself), the shrill ring of the bell nearly driving her crazy. She really needed to change that damned appliance was the main thought in her head, when she realised that said bell had actually stopped ringing and that the somewhat annoying noise disturbing her concentration was actually a falsetto voice shouting out "Yo, riiinnng rrinng, open up deary!!!" over and over. "Stout!!!!" was the panic filled thought entering her head. What the hell was the pest doing here this evening , she had to get rid of him long before her client showed up… in less than five minutes. She would be soo dead if the client came in and found the American pest. And all this after scoffing at the idea of not being able to organise the exchange on her phone call earlier!
After quickly checking her flushed appearance and deciding that she could pretend having to go out to get rid of her unwanted visitor, Birman pasted on her face her best welcoming smile and opened the door. And pretending surprise at seeing the American on her doorstep she gushed : "Oh Ragu_doll, ehm RAGDOLL, what a pleasant surprise! What brought you here of this fine evening? I hope we can see to it quickly, I was just ready to step out…"
"Ragudoll?" Commented a somewhat snickering Teddy "What is that? A doll made of Spaghetti Bolognese? You sure you don’t want me to take up Hidaka’s tuition? I would be thrilled… he’s such an intriguing jock…" Then the kilted man’s expression turned somewhat suspicious as he realised his welcome had been definitely less chilly than usual and he added: " Why do I get the impression you want to get rid of me. What is it? Hot date? Are you cheating on the boss or what? So who’s the other guy? Or is it Manx?" While Birman’s brain effectively went into shut down mode at the idea of getting involved with Manx of all people and she remained completely floored staring incredulously at the smirking braided man, the elevator’s door at the end of the corridor opened with a soft swish letting pass a tall black-haired gaijin wearing oddly reflective glasses.
With a jerk of her head Birman tried to signal to her client that he shouldn’t try to talk to her now; then she grabbed Stout’s wrist and forcibly dragged the American into the apartment. Shutting the door the put upon assistant to Persia tried to turn the tables on the irritating man: "Stout, I don’t know what you think you are doing, getting involved in dangerous Kritiker business you shouldn’t even know anything about but…" Her tirade was cut short by a somewhat choked noise followed by a loud guffaw coming from the American. Turning to face the kilted man Birman feared the worst, which promptly confronted her in the shape of a bug eyed Teddy practically drooling on her photographs. "Say Birman" commented the pest "these wouldn’t have anything to do with the dangerous business you were mentioning, would they? Well, I agree that should Red ever get wind of what you have been up to you, you could be sure of being in danger… Damn but the man is drool-worthy! You did mess up the angle though you really can’t see a thing where Kudou is concerned…" Before a spluttering and indignant Birman could defend her talents as a wildlife photographer, however, the bell started ringing again. The terribly shrill sound from before having somehow morphed to a death’s knoll in Birman’s impressionable hearing. Seeing as the secretary made no move to answer the door Teddy decided to do the honours of the house and let the woman’s "hot date" into the apartment. He had to admit to being curious as to whom the woman might get involved with, even the more so if the person was indeed involved with Birman’s little photography project. Plus the man he had caught a glimpse before had a vaguely familiar air. As if he should have been able to place the face… though he was quite sure that he had never met him before. Just as he was about to open the door and confront the visitor Birman regained the use of her somewhat scattered wits and made a lunge to try and stop him. She unfortunately miscalculated the distance and not realising the door was already partway open, in her haste she ended on top of an horizontal American at the feet of another smirking American. Said glass-wearing personage drawled: "Why don’t fall all over yourself to open up the door I can wait a little for the dubious pleasure of meeting both my dear Birman and the infamous Mister Stout…" before simply walking over the recumbent and speechless shapes on the floor to enter the apartment. While a shamefaced Birman tried to get untangled from one snickering Teddy who delighted in riling the woman with comments such as: "Hey deary I got a boyfriend you know." And "Whoa look out, I need that to make Koyu happy" the visitor approached the divan to pick up the photos left there and study them in detail. By the time the two Kritiker agents had managed to regain their feet they were confronted by a very pissed off Crawford. Yes because Birman’s client was no other than the Schwarz leader. 
The man was very obviously displeased and vented said anger with an impressive amount of venom: "You idiotic woman !! I handed you a perfect occasion for getting a perfect picture of Kudoh in his birthday suit and you completely blew it! You got all distracted by the little slut and didn’t even think of getting the important details! Now all the time I spent trying to get a clear picture of them doing the dirty is all for nothing!!!" Teddy poked Birman in the ribs and asked in a rather uncertain manner: "OK what’s the deal with him. I agree it would have been nice getting an eyeful of the two of them from the front but he really seems to take it a little too personally. It’s really a minor inconvenience, no matter what I said to rile you." Before an incredulous Birman managed to either defend her work or try to formulate a theory as to why the stuck up leader of Schwarz was losing it completely over the lack of detail on Balinese’s anatomy, Crawford started shouting shrilly: "Minor inconvenience he says!!! MINOR!!! I’ll tell you how minor that is…" His voice moved up another octave in frequency: "Do you realise how difficult it is finding someone with proper prerequisites? How alone you can get, and no friendly touches, for everyone thinks you are a cold controlled bastard!" His voice went up to glass shattering lyric soprano frequencies as he started bawling: "Buahhh you can’t understand!!! The only one who can give me satisfaction is one crazy Irish psycho who’s never in the mood! Bwwahh I’m soo horny! Last time I got some was nearly two years ago…Kudoh might just be my last chance!!" Teddy looked incredulous at the formerly calm and self assured individual sobbing like a three year old whose sweets were just stolen, then thought that maybe Birman could make some light of the situation. Unfortunately the woman had gone into shock at the sight of the Oracle throwing a temper tantrum and actually discussing his (lack of) sex life. So deciding that all of this seemed too interesting to let it be, he ventured a question: "Now pal, let me get this straight… You are thinking of getting in between Fujimiya and Kudoh?" The sobbing and hiccuping man looked at the braided wonder with something akin to surprise: "No *I* do not plan on doing anything of the sort, I simply want some information so that should things go in that direction I might act properly… That’s all I swear!" Seeing as Birman was still floored the kilted American took it upon himself to point out: "I don’t think they will break up, if that’s what you are hoping for." To this the other answered calmly: "I know they probably will, but that’s secondary to the fact that I know I’ll go off the deep end listening to Abyssinian and Mastermind going at it unless I find someone for myself. And Berserker keeps ignoring me! He won’t even dress up for me anymore! He used to, a few years ago, before his sanity took that turn for the worse…"  Seeing the reminiscing man growing once more close to tears, Teddy hastened to divert his attention: "OK listen I would like to have some video footage of those two going at it and if you promise me not to do anything to break them up, even indirectly, I’ll help you get your information, how’s that?" Under his breath he added as he fended off the embraces of an enthusiastic Crawford: "Anything to shut the crybaby up! Plus, if I do get some screen time of the two of them out of this, it will be time well spent!" Clearing his voice he added at an audible volume: "Well what do I call you then pal?" "For you I’ll be Bradley, what do I say… even Brad! My friend!!!" enthused the Schwarz leader glomping onto the unfortunate Teddy. Luckily the glass bespectacled American released his hold on his compatriot before he turned blue due to lack of air and walked out of the door and past a catatonic Birman exclaiming: "Let’s go Teddy-bear, we got a lot of planning to do" A crazed laugh echoed down the corridor as he made his way to the lift a snickering Teddy following in his wake.
Birman woke up in the morning on her sofa surrounded by photographs of Aya and Yohji and decided that the events she had a vague recollection of had to be a weird dream caused by overexposure to the mouth-watering likenesses of the two older members of Weiss.
A few days afterwards…
Teddy entered the Weiss household, a mission folder in his hands and a micronized waterproof video camera hidden in his jeans’ back pocket.
During the briefing the local klutz, Siberian, managed to trip and land, glass of tomato juice he was carrying and all, on top of a seemingly incredulous Ragdoll. Said American flashed a smug glance at the fuming Bombay before commandeering the use of the bathroom to right his abused appearance. After spending more than fifty minutes in the communal bathroom, the kilted American reappeared, his tartan in reasonable conditions and his shirt no longer looking like a rag used in a slaughterhouse. No one thought to question his smug and self-satisfied expression as it was not much different from his everyday expression. The briefing was finished pretty quickly after that, even though Ken managed to trip and land smack on top the smirking American again, luckily minus the glass of tomato juice this time. So it was that Yohji had no time to demand an explanation from the American as he called out to the blond to remember their deal about a second double date, while being seen out of the door by a "somewhat" peeved Omi. The man had no more chance of demanding any explanation as he found himself trying to avoid one very pissed off shine-shouting, katana wielding maniac. 
A couple of hours after the above mentioned events…
After an extenuating chase Yotan had managed to get across to his enraged Kitten that he didn’t have the slightest idea as to what the infernal American had meant with that comment and that he meant to demand an explanation as soon as he saw the blasted Ragdoll again. Peace restored in their relationship, and finding themselves all sweaty from the chase and just in front of the bathroom door, they decided to enter and celebrate the end of their fight in the customary way. It remains to be said that they both felt the odd sensation of being observed and from that moment on, for about three weeks avoided the shower for their lovemaking sessions. It was then, as Ayan thought that the shower would be nice place to make out for a change, that the shower curtains inexplicably took fire, due to a short in a supposedly waterproof micronized video camera, whose unforeseen electronic death was greatly mourned by a couple of hentai individuals.
"Oh my Bad Brad look at that!"
"Yes Teddy-bear Kudoh is definitely all he’s rumoured to be and more…" answered a drooling Crawford. 
"Well" answered the drooling braided man "you have to admit that even if there is no comparison in size Fujimiya is a wet dream."
"Not interested" replied the other "Not aggressive enough for my tastes! Oh dear that love bite!" fanning himself "What technique!!!"
Much later, the floor is now covered in buckets of drool…
"So Baddy Braddy still interested in Kudoh, ‘cause I mean look at them they are perfect for one another…"
"Stout… it really pains me to say so, but I agree… Should they break up though…" Bradley holds up a pair a pruning shears "With a little makeover of those golden locks I could get the lover of my dreams!!"
Now she sounds like Gollum*… scary thought!
 Ragu is the sauce for the Spaghetti Bolognese.
 And everybody had already seen that coming right from start… Why oh why can’t I manage to build up the suspense!!
 Makes you wonder why Farfie took that turn for the worse… ^.^;;;
Neko: "Heh I’d say for the better!"
 Five guesses as to who that is, and the first four don’t count!
 Can he still be called Crawford after this fic?
 Scary thought… Think… Gluhen Yotan! Ahhh not with Bradley!!!
Neko: "Haircut ala Farfie!"
Lilla: "Just so…"
Lilla: "Someone demanded that he be allowed to disabuse you of some notions you might entertain after reading this work of fiction…"
Brad still glassless : "No matter what this evil malicious woman tells I don’t carry a torch for that slut Balinese. And before you ask I’m not interested in either Abyssinian or Mastermind! As for Farfarello let’s not even get there! Crawford has no sexual urges to speak of! None whatsoever! Ah! There!"
Lilla: chuckles loudly rolling on the floor
Brad: "I don’t know why, but that didn’t quite come out quite as I wanted it to… Well, anyway even if I had those uhm urges I most certainly would never be uke!
Lilla puts on Brad’s evil glasses: "Sure thing deary" behind her back she holds up photographic proof of Brad-lily’s getting it from Farfie…
*Oh just in case you were in doubt I don’t own the Lord of the Rings either!
I would like to thank Nekojita for the proof-reading and the time she took to point out my mistakes. All remaining faults are entirely my own!
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