Adaptation by Kabuki and nekojita
Okay, what you have here is the first official project of the Snugglebunny Company. This is what you get when two evil authors log on to a chat room together and think of new ways to torture their favorite bishounen. Hee. As hinted to above, the fic is an adaptation (ie parody) of the opera Lucia diLammermoor. Starring the cast of Weiß and Schwarz. Opera=angst. See the correlation? Hope you like it, the first part is just a prelude, letting the boys know about their fates.
Some OC and obscure references here, from Kabuki’s ‘5th Circle’ and nekojita’s Weiß Kreuz arc (getting to be too many fics to list here). Might help a little if you read them, but this is still enjoyable if you haven’t.
Disclaimer #1: Okay, Kabuki owns Hika. nekojita owns Mickey and Teddy. That’s about it. But give us evil Snugglebunnies some time, and soon they will all be ours!!!
Disclaimer #2: No need for that this time, as we both take full responsibility for this monster. No cribbing off of each other this time.
(Setting: A small room, the air is filled with cigarette smoke. Scattered about on the floor are some boxes of forgotten dinner, ordered from a Chinese takeout. In one of the room’s corners a coffee machine makes some noise. It sounds like the last hard breath of a dying man, a low contrast to the hissing from the tea kettle next to it.
An old table, which best years have passed a long time ago, stands in the middle of the room. It’s the only furniture besides three chairs and a bright halogen lamp. The light reflects on cold, sterile walls. There are huge, crooked stacks of books and manga everywhere in the room, threatening to fall over at any given moment.
Two women sit on the chairs, both shuffling through humongous paper stacks. Seen from a distance they look exhausted, but upon taking a second look the evil grins around their mouths become obvious.)
Kabuki: So, shall we meet again in thunder ... damn! Wrong story. (lights another cigarette) They’ll suffer.
nekojita: I know, I know (sighs dramatically). We should start now.
Kabuki: Uhm, yes. Who do we order first in here to inform him about his fate?
(The two woman exchange looks and the evil grins become even wider)
nekojita and Kabuki together: AYA!!!
(The door opens and Nagi enters the room. A look of pure horror is on his face).
Kabuki (waving her hand in a bored manner): Go and get Fujimiya.
Nagi: Are you sure?
nekojita: You’re not supposed to question us. Just get him.
Kabuki: If he tries to kill you, tell him we’re drawing matches to see who has to write the fic starring him with Crawford.... as seme.
(Nagi withdraws hastily. Soon afterwards loud steps can be heard and the door gets kicked into the room.)
(Aya enters the room, completely decked out in mission gear and covered with weapons, katana drawn. He’s obviously dealt with these women before.)
Aya: (glaring about furiously) What the hell are you crazy women up to now?
Kabuki: Shhh, I have to concentrate.
nekojita and Aya: On what?
(Kabuki glares at Aya)
Kabuki: To find a reasonable explanation for why Crawford screws you…. (bumps cigarette and lights another)
(Aya waves his katana about threateningly. nekojita makes a snipping motion with her fingers and smiles viciously. The weapon disappears)
nekojita: As much as we love to see you in action…. But we are still at the beginning. Nobody is supposed to die…. yet. Better face it Aya, you’re completely under our control. It’s best if you’d just cooperate or Kabuki will make you suffer in her next chapter…. If she ever finishes it.
Kabuki: (murmurs in her coffee cup) I’m working on it…. Seriously, here’s your script. Read it and tell Yohji to come in.
(Aya reads the script, his face turning from marble-white to snow white.)
Aya: That’s…. that’s a girl’s part. For a soprano
Kabuki: Ah ah, what did I say? No questions, or Crawford will be seme. Now go get Yohji. Some people could maybe be interested in what this is all about and we can’t get any farther if we let you bitch for the next twenty pages or so.
Aya: But, but I'm a bass.
nekojita: (waves hand dismissively) Don't worry about it, no one wants to hear you sing. They just want to see you traipsing around in a kimono, lusting after Yohji while being pawed by Schu.
(Aya, calling on his Yin nature, makes his soul sword appear and brandishes the weapon at the women. Kabuki, smirking around her cigarette, merely waves her hand and the object vanishes. Staring at his empty hands in astonishment, the assassin then closes his eyes and tries to will the women away, pulling at the threads in desperation, only to have them disappear as well.)
nekojita: Now now, can't have that. Remember who gave you those nifty little gifts. Be a good boy or we'll have Crawford and Farfie take over Yohji and Schu's parts.
Kabuki: Or better yet, Takatori and Sakura!
Kabuki: Summoned from the dead, well mostly dead (glances aside at a fuming nekojita)
nekojita: (growls) You just have to keep rubbing it in my face that you managed to kill off the little twit and I'm still stuck with her, don't you?
Aya: (waves hand about to get the writers’ attention) Hey, we're talking about me here. I refuse to put up with this. You guys are messing with my life enough as is.
Kabuki: I told you stop bitching around.
(Aya tries his most deadly gaze on the smoking woman.)
(Suddenly the door opens and Hika walks in, his ears dropping down as soon as he sees who’s in the room. Seeing reinforcements arrive, Aya smiles smugly [well as much as he ever smiles])
nekojita: PUPPY!! (starts searching the place fervently) I know I got that ribbon around here somewhere, DON"T MOVE!
(Hika cringes in fear, looking at Kabuki beseechingly)
Hika: First I get told that I’ll end up with a female bulldog if I don’t come here and now HEEEEERRR!!! Aya, help me!!!
Aya: You’re supposed to be here to help ME out.
(Kabuki smirks and hands nekojita some red ribbon. Aya shifts his head back and forth between the two women, noting the evil gleam in their eyes. Panic is written on his face as the nekobunny pounces on his demon familiar, tying Hika up in meters of red velvet ribbon.)
(Aya edges toward the door. nekojita looks up from tying the big red bow on a whimpering Hika's neck and fixes him with a stare. Kabuki finishes lighting another cigarette.)
Kabuki: Hika-sit! Aya -stop!
nekojita: Haven't forgotten about you, Red. Now go get Yohji, and any more complaints and I spend the next chapter letting Schu do whatever he wants to you. You know what that means. Among other things, the girl school uniform and furrie costume!
(Kabuki spits coffee across the table, while Aya quickly leaves the room)
Kabuki: And remember about CRAWFORD!
nekojita: (mumbles as she fusses with the bow) Never piss off a bunch of hentai minded writers.
Kabuki: You left out the evil part (nekojita nods her head).
(Hika cries silently in agony.)
Kabuki: Uhm, any idea how we can get Kudou into this?
nekojita: We tell him that he'll get a lot of sex with Aya (both start to laugh wickedly, as if they do it any other way).
Kabuki. What if he reads it to the end?
(nekojita only smiles.)
Kabuki: (slaps forehead) Okay, forget my last question.
(Yohji appears on the scene)
Yohji: Oh, the two most wonderful bunnies in the whole world. How can I be at your service?
nekojita and Kabuki: Undress!
nekojita: (whispers to Kabuki) You know it would be easier if we both would have just stayed with the dumb Yohji-stereotype. (To Yohji): You are a cast-member of the first official Snugglebunny Company -Production. Just read your script. Aya is going to play your lover ...
Yohji: (cuts in quickly) Fine, I'm in.
(Kabuki slams her head on the table)
Yohji: Is she alright?
nekojita: Think so. Go and tell Schuldig, he's next (she’s still fussing over Hika, who’s sitting on the floor between the two women whimpering from time to time.)
Yohji: What, he's in this one too? You mean I have to spend the whole damn fic trying to keep his hands off Aya? You have any idea how exhausting that gets to be? And by the end poor Aya is too worn out and pissed off to let me get within three meters of him!
Kabuki: Uhm, cigarette?
Yohji: (is momentarily distracted by the bribe, but his hormones swiftly win out) Well?
nekojita: Relax, Aya kills him in this one. Heesh, last time I write such a jealous character.
Kabuki: Read the damn script now or we change your part with Schuldig's
(Yohji huffs as he tosses back his hair, but leaves the room after snatching the offered cigarette.)
(Kabuki and nekojita return back to their writing, once more cackling evilly at the various plot twists. Soon the door bursts open yet again, as Schuldig drapes himself on the frame for their viewing pleasure.)
Schuldig: Hallo meine Lieben, was kann ich heute für euch tun?
nekojita: (to Kabuki) That's good, right?
Kabuki: Klappe halten, gut aussehen, Englisch sprechen und lesen! (translation: Shut up, look good, speak English and read!)
(Schuldig scans the pages)
Schu: (breaking out in a little dance) Hah! I get Aya! Finally! (glares at nekojita, then resumes reading.)
Schuldig: Hold on a sec ... (looks up from the pages.)
(Kabuki starts to whistle, while nekojita ties the ribbon closer around Hika's neck. Both fail pathetically at their attempts to appear innocent.)
Schu: Wait a minute, the Kätzchen kills me here in act three! No way! Especially after I finally get to have sex with the boy in real life.
Kabuki: Don't worry about that bit, we're still playing around w/ the plot.
nekojita: Yeah, would we ever do anything to hurt you like that? (Tries again for an innocent expression, but it is somewhat thrown off by Hika's whimpering for the telepath to kill him and put him out of his misery.)
Kabuki: And don’t fucking try your telepathy on my mind, or I’ll use my colorful imagination on a really juicy scene between you and Ken featuring a soccer ball.
nekojita: No wait, even better. A three way with him, Ken and Takatori. And you (glaring at Schu) are the uke!
Schuldig: Böse, wirklich böse ... verdammte Hexen.
Kabuki: Oh please, we hear that everyday!
nekojita: Who, us evil? (gets some more ribbon out and ties one each around Hika's ears.)
Kabuki (murmurs quietly to nekojita): You know we could end up with a serious problem here. Who's going to write all these threat lemons?
nekojita: Shhh, its a bluff, but he doesn't know that.
Schu: Wie bitte?!? Kabuki, bitttteeeeee, laß es nicht so weit kommen!
Kabuki: (murmurs to nekojita) You know, its really a good thing is, he can't read our minds ...
nekojita: (to Schu) Yep, uke city from here on out for you boy. (To Kabuki) Hee. /Very/ good thing! Don't think there's enough tequila in the world to get me to write that scene (shudders in horror).
Kabuki: Me neither. Schuldig, Süßer, could you please tell Omi to come in?
(Kabuki smiles innocently at her fellow German and pets Hika's head.)
nekojita: (grinning evilly) Yes! Time to torture the chibi.
(Schuldig just walks out of the room a broken man as nekojita rubs her hands together fiendishly.)
Kabuki: They'll kill us the moment they’ve finished reading the scripts.
nekojita: Well, they'll certainly try. Best of luck to them though. Far better have tried it and failed.
Hika: As soon as I get rid of the ribbons I have first dibs on your hides.
nekojita: Hush or I'll have you neutered.
(Hika surrenders finally.)
(Omi walks into the room, a concerned look upon on his face.)
Omi: Uhm, you wanted to see me? (tries for his best chibi look, hoping to be too cute to be tortured.)
(Of course it fails, haven’t you gotten it yet, they’re evil!)
Kabuki: Nice try boy. Now listen here, we have a new fic idea-
Omi: (Growls in frustration and throws his hands up in the air.) Okay, I have been through this enough times already. First you're going to tell me I have to take some stupid part-
Kabuki: Not really that stupid, Onichi, it could be much worse.
Omi: -then I have to dress up in some silly costume-
nekojita: Hey, wait till you see what we make Aya wear!
Omi: -and at the end it's a completely weird piece of work with all of us absolutely ooc (sighs in a depressed manner).
nekojita: (under her breath) Well, unless you're a female Scottish maid, of course there will be a little ooc.
Omi: What did you just say? Did I hear Scottish maids? What are you up to?
Kabuki and nekojita: Us? (blinks) What make you think we're up to something?
Omi: How many times have you been called evil today?
nekojita: Uh, four? Oh wait, that's just the last half hour alone.
(Kabuki slaps Hika on the head before he can say anything else.)
nekojita: Ah come on, you'll be helping to bring the great art of Opera to all the unwashed masses, or whatever.
Kabuki: And Omi, your part is absolutely safe ... trust us (smiles widely).
Omi: We're doing opera? (Bangs head on wall) What is it with you guys and angst?
Hika: Evil ... evil ... evil ... this is even worse than the destruction of Carthage.
nekojita: Opera. You know, great music, lots of singing, everybody dies.…
Kabuki: (Aside to Hika) Hey, we had nothing to do with that last bit, we swear. (mumbles) You'll never find the witnesses anyways...
Hika: Ahh ... reign of blood, destruction, death ... I should like it, but why am I so scared then?
Omi: Because it’s THEM!!! (Points to Kabuki and nekojita, who once more try the innocent act.)
Hika: Oh, that was the part I forgot.
Kabuki: Enough already, here's the script.
Omi: (Reads over the script) I KNEW it!
Omi: I play a fucking female part, yet again.
Omi: And why am I going along with it this time?
Kabuki: How's the sex life been lately, kiddo?
(Omi starts twitching).
nekojita: Aww, the chibi feeling a little frustrated? There, you have the answer to your question. Put on the damn dress or we'll make sure you never get any sex. Ever. While everyone else does. Even Crawford.
Hika: Evil and hentai.
Kabuki: Don’t look at us like that. I'll have you know that extortion is a perfectly acceptable past time.
Kabuki: And while we're already on the topic- Omi, be a nice boy and tell Ken to come in.
Omi: Does he have to wear a dress?
nekojita: No, but if it makes you feel any better we'll make sure he has a really uncomfortable cod-piece.
Kabuki: By the way, shouldn't Teddy have arrived already with the costumes?
Omi: Teddy's doing the costumes? Waahhhhh! (runs from the room screaming.)
Kabuki: NAAAAGI! We need Brad-baby
(Nagi grunts okay from behind the door, clearly unwilling to enter the room unless he absolutely has to.)
Kabuki: He should be here by the time we're all done talking to soccer boy.
(Kabuki starts to search for something in her bag)
nekojita: (Eying her friend nervously as various things are taken out of the bag, including handcuffs, various sharp objects and a how to book on how to raise the dead.) You do know the two words that will get him to go along with the whole thing, right?
Kabuki: Uhm (looks up) What two words? German Football?
nekojita: (Ponders it for a moment) That might do it, but I was thinking more along the lines of Omi and dress.
(Kabuki pulls out a soccer tricot and places it on the table.)
nekojita: Your bag scares even me.
Kabuki: Maybe we should try a more subtle tactic on Ken. No need to get the boy all worked up. You like tormenting Hidaka way too much.
nekojita: (Ignores the last bit) This is Ken we're talking about here. What do you suggest?
(Kabuki unfolds the tricot and shows nekojita the signature written on it.)
nekojita: What is it?
Kabuki: Right, it's Ken we’re dealing with and this is an autograph from Oliver Kahn. You know, if psychological warfare works on the boy we may be able to get around all the lemons we don't want to write.
nekojita: Oliver Kahn?
Kabuki: The German goalkeeper ... you know, soccer player of the year, MVP back in Japan…. (Still receiving a blank stare from nekojita).
nekojita: (in a small voice) You talk sports, make the nekobunny's head hurt. Bad girl.
Kabuki: Okay, my brother signed it, but this is Ken we're talking about (grins).
Hika: Hell, I could sign it and he'd believe it.
Kabuki and nekojita: Shut up!
(Pounding sound on the stairs signals Hidaka's arrival.)
(Ken enters the room, a suspicious look on his face. Yes, he’s dealt with them before as well.)
nekojita: (Rubbing her temples) You handle him, I need some Advil. (Goes off and plays with her teapot, exclaiming loudly when she finds some more ribbons.)
Ken: What's going on here? Aya’s banging his head against a wall while mumbling 'Shi-ne' all the time. Omi just stares out of the window while twitching and Yohji and Schuldig are yelling at each other more than usual.
Hika: Run for your life, soccer boy.
Kabuki: (Using a soothing tone of voice) Ken, calm down, take a seat and just listen.
Ken: Uhm ...
nekojita: (Mumbles in background) Why do I have the sudden urge to read Faust again?
Kabuki: You see this? (Pats the tricot and hands Ken a tissue to stop his nosebleed.)
Kabuki: (Looks over at nekojita) Faust? Hmm, next time maybe. Lucia’s first.
nekojita: I was referring to you.
Kabuki: (Blushes) Uhm, which part? (She lights yet another cigarette).
nekojita: Mephisto of course.
Kabuki: (Grins at the thought) Anyways, you get this tricot if you're a good boy and do what we say.
Hika: (Aside to nekojita) I've seen devils before, trust me, she's got the goods.
Ken: (Eyes never leaving the tricot) What do I have to do?
nekojita: (Murmuring to Hika as she brushes his coat) And some people say he took one too many soccer balls to the head.
Kabuki: (Rolls her eyes) Just read the script, play your part and that's it.
Ken: And then I get the tricot? (He’s clearly suspicious of a catch somewhere.)
Hika: We're talking lackey role here, just go out on stage and look cute.
Ken: And that's it?
nekojita, Kabuki and Hika: Yes!
(nekojita hands Kabuki some of the Advil. While they sip their respective beverages Crawford opens the door)
Crawford: Is this now the time that I should appear?
nekojita: (sweatdrops) And he's a psychic?
Kabuki: Uhm (gulps the Advil down)
nekojita: (starts chanting) Two more to go, two more to go.…
Kabuki: We just had to save the tight ass til near the end, didn't we?
Crawford: I can hear you, you know.
Crawford: I know what's going to happen, I know that you will threaten me with a fic in which Farfarello gets to screw me if I don't join and so I’ll make it easy on all of us ... I’ll just join, now hand me the script.
Hika: Yeah, you forgot somebody! Where's the guy with the cool attitude?
nekojita: (sniffing back tears) But, but, I actually wouldn't have minded writing that lemon. Think of all the evil things I could have come up with.
Crawford: (Shivering in terror) I know.... why do you think I'm giving in so easily?
Hika: I want my Farfie damnit!
(Kabuki dismisses the precog and tells him to have Farfarello report in. Crawford happily departs.)
(At last Farfarello enters the room. He smiles at the women and demon.)
Hika: There’s the man. I wanna see how this turns out.
Farfie: Evil, evil. You make god suffer a lot.
Kabuki and nekojita: We know...
nekojita: Listen up knife boy, we got this wonderful little plan that guarantees to have god crying like a school girl.
Kabuki: It pretty damn well broke everyone else down to tears, that’s for sure. (Hika nods his head in agreement.)
Farfie: Is there pain involved?
nekojita: Oh, tons of it.
Kabuki: (Nodding head) We could manage that.
nekojita: This is opera we’re talking about. Of course there’s death in it. (Whaps the Irishman over the head with his script.)
Farfie: I think I actually felt that. What’s my part?
Kabuki: Oh, I think you’ll really love this. You’re going to be a priest.
Farfie: A priest! Muwaahhahhah, that will hurt god, won’t it?
Hika: Gotta love the man’s one-track mind.
nekojita: Yep, you as a priest. Believe a lot of people will be hurting over that one. And you get to betray a poor innocent, uhm, Aya to a cruel fate.
Kabuki: Aya? Innocent? Have you seen what we’ve had the boy up to lately in the past few chapters? You’ve even turned him into a two-timing slut.
nekojita: (huffs) Just making both Kudoh and Schu happy. Besides, check your writer’s manual, the whole SchuxAya thing falls under the dream clause, ie I get to do whatever I want to the poor lads with no consequences whatsoever. Hee. Love finding loopholes.
Farfie: Ahem, what about me?
Kabuki: What else do you want? You get to play a priest who ruins a bunch of people’s lives. Doesn’t that get you off enough? (Puffs angrily on her cigarette.)
Farfie: ….. I know how you two think. I may be nuts, but there’s no way I’ll agree to starring in one of your fics without a contract that specifies before hand that I won’t be shagging anyone or (glaring at Hika) anything. (The two women stare at him in wonder.)
Farfie: (Answers primly) I’m saving myself for marriage, you know.
nekojita: (to Kabuki) I’m not touching that one.
Kabuki: Okay, we promise, no lemon, lime or anything else of a fruity nature for you in this fic. Anything else?
Farfie: No, that’s it. When do I get to start hurting god?
nekojita: As soon as all the costumes are done and people learn their lines. Rehearsals should start in a few days. (Humming an Irish melody, she grabs ahold of Berserker and whirls him around the room doing a two hand reel. Hika starts gnawing on the ribbons until Kabuki catches him and waves her finger in rebuke).
Kabuki: Ah yes, the evil plan moves forward. (Chuckles maniacally.)
(Hika whimpers in fear.)
Okay, next part we go straight into Act I. Highlights: Teddy’s costumes, Mickey’s back stage with a bat, and Aya’s in drag. No ETA on that, we’re still busy trying to churn out ‘5th Circle’ and ‘Nothing Gold Can Stay’, but the more demand there is the harder we’ll try to sync up our schedules. Let us know what you think, reviews always appreciated.
Return to Archive