TO PROTECT AND HOLD

[Lame title, I knowÖ But what the hellÖ :)]

BY: MiniMorr

PAIRING: Yohji x Ran

RATING/WARNING: Shounen ai. Light angst and so forth.

DISCLAIMER: I donít own any of these characters, please donít sue, I mean no harm.

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I would just like to sit here and watch you for a little while, love, I hope you donít mind. I know that youíre always complaining that you need your íbeauty sleepí but looking at you right now, that word have become to mean something else to me. To watch you like thisÖ I canít understand itÖ 

And I canít understand you. I canít understand how you managed to needle your way into my heart and soul, and why I let you stay there when I realized what had happenedÖ I donít understand. But then, perhaps, Iím not supposed to either? I donít knowÖ If I wake you up, can you answer that question for me? 

I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. How much you mean to me. These are things I can never tell you in the light of the day Ė only here in the dark can I open up my heart to you. I know that you canít hear me, that youíre too far away in the land of your dreams. Do you dream of me, or of her? I sometimes wonder how much I mean to you, if you have let me in enough to share that space in your heart reserved for her? For AsukaÖ Still, whenever you say her name, you get that light in your eyes, the light that I wish I had provoked from youÖ Is it so wrong to be jealous of someone who have been dead for years? Is it so strange that I wonder if I can ever take her place, if only for a little while? I wonder what you would say if I presented you with this. I wonder if I would have to force you to choose and if I could pick up the pieces of my heart and walk away again if you didn't choose me? Can you tell me that? And will I prefer a sweet lie to the corrupted truth? Iím not sureÖ 

Iím rambling, arenít I? Iím sorry love, but I just got carried away. I didnít mean to. Itís just the night that caught me up like this. I love the night, but you already know that, donít you? I love the night because I can be with you, because I can let down my guard when Iím in the dark like this.  

I would die for you, you know that donít you? Iíve already killed for you, more times than I can count. I donít know when it happened, when you took her place in my thoughts at the missions. I donít know. You just did. Iíve killed for you, and I would die for you too, if I have to. All to keep you safe and away from harm. 

At times, I think Iím loosing it, loosing whatever sanity I have left. You always know when Iím approaching those moments, and you always know how to stop me from falling into the abyss again. You know how to hold me, how to let me deal with all those emotions that overwhelmes me. But do you know that I love you the most when you do that? That sometimes, it threatens to sweep me away more than everything else? To be there in your arms, and let you hold meÖ Do you know how much it cost me to let down my guard around you? No, you donít. Iíve never told you, and I canít. To let you know that would be a mistake. You can be used against me, and everything I do I do to keep you safe. I couldnít live if something would befall youÖ 

I guess I just got carried away again. Iím sorry love, I promise it wonít happen again. Itís just so easy to spill everything out like this, to pour out all those thoughts and feelings that crowds me during the day that I have to bottle up. I know Iím not good with words, Iíve never been. I just hope that you can read my actions well enough to know what Iím trying to say. I will always protect you, remember that. Even if you tell me that it is over in the morning, I will always be a shadow by your side, and I will stop at nothing to keep you safe. There, Iím repeating myself again. Iím sorry, I just canít seem to focus anymoreÖ Perhaps itís because you were so close to death tonight, courting your Lady like you didnít have a care in the world. That you didnít have meÖ That stings, burns, needles its way into me. How you so easily could throw it all away for a chance to dance with her again, the White LadyÖ Youíve danced with me, but never in that way.  

I just wanted to tell you that you are my sanctuary, my peace. My life. I can almost laugh at that. How easily I can give you my heart and my soul to keep or throw awayÖ How easily you can crush me like the petals of a rose and I would just sit back and let you.  

Perhaps itís time for me to go back to bed now, to return to your side in the warmth of the darkness that is you. To hear your heartbeat tell me that youíre alive. To let you hold me in your arms and feel those emotions trigger the memories of the times we had together. To let them wash away the fear and the pain, till there is nothing left but you. To breathe only to be. To feelÖ 

And hope that the madness donít catch me here. I donít want to give in to that tonight, but I know I will. I never sleep well the night after missions where youíve been in danger. I donít mean to worry you, I just want you to hold me for a little while. You are my walls, you are the place where I live, where Iím alive.  

The moon is so beautiful tonight, love. I wish that I could wake you up so that you could see it too. But I canít. You need your íbeauty sleepí, as you always tell me. And besides, you are so beautiful when you just lie there, so peaceful and relaxedÖ 

As I crawl back under the comforter, I place a small kiss on your lips. I never do those things in the day, let alone in the public, but I can do them now. Perhaps I am what you always say Ė uptight and afraid of my own and othersí feelings. But I donít know what to do. I am afraid, I am so afraid that you will reject me, that you will wake up tomorrow and laugh at me and tell me that you were just playing with meÖ 

Lying here, basking in your warmth, drives away all my fears. Here, I can just be. Here, I can let down every wall, because you will protect me and hold me and drive everything away. I just hope that you know that I will do the same for you.  

Good night, love. See you in the morningÖ 

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Okay, that one was sweet enough for me to get a toothache, but it just came knocking at my door and demanded attention, sorryÖ :)  

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