OK this fic is a Xmas gift for Nekojita. So if you want it, don’t see why you would, but it’s better to cover all the bases, you ask the great girl herself, OK? You don’t ask the girl and I’ll borrow a page from Tot’s book and run after you with a huge freaking umbrella. You’d still be lucky, though, for *I* don’t laugh. Great! Now, I probably managed to scare everyone away…

Title: When Teddy met Schully.

Category: Omake.

Ratings: PG13/R

Warnings: Sort of companion fic to "Videotape: mission improbable". References to Bonenkai, C&W and others. Craziness by the shovel full, abuse of poor Bradley-pooh, abuse of Yotan’s hair, evil (abused) Schuldig. OOC. Hints of yaoi smut.

Pairings: Do I give that away? Just as a hint I’ll say that the girl asked for: YxTeddy or CxTeddy. (My face as I read the request… O.O;;; and afterwards =^.^= ) Of course this is worse, much worse, than what she asked for…


Disclaimer: Looks around and starts announcing: "Any person and event in this story is purely fictional, any resemblance with actual people or happenings is purely coincidental!"

Ooops wrong disclaimer… hehe…

OK here goes nothing I don’t own Teddy! He’s all Neko’s, I’m just borrowing him for a while and will put him back once I’m finished playing. Arigatou for the loan Nekojita-sama! Hope the boy won’t be too traumatised once you get him back… Koyu and Cassandra are both Neko’s too.

Also I don’t own the Weiss boys, which might be a good thing considering that I am a scientist, of sorts, and ‘slightly’ odd to boot …


Oh nearly forgot, thanks to Neko for beat-reading the fic, as always all remaining horrors are my own. And now on to the fic, pardon me, thing!


When Teddy met Schully.

It was the week after Christmas, and a very stressed and grumpy Schuldig was out once more, at his leader’s behest, to buy groceries. The German had had a very unpleasant last couple of days, all thanks to one over-sexed Arschloch, who had no intention of leaving his sweet Tuberose alone. Christmas had been especially trying as his, no longer so weisses, Veilchen had gifted himself to the damned playboy. The rage the telepath had experienced at that time hadn’t yet left him. The worst part of it all was that he was starting to be afraid for his future plans. If Aya kept feeling that secure of the blond idiot’s affection, all his careful scheming might very well come to nothing.

His mind on the problems and frustrations at hand, the poor redhead didn’t realise that another person was coming at a run with a cart from around the corner of the grocery aisle he should have been scoping for oranges. So it was that, with a surprised yelp and a faint wheeze, the German found himself nearly run over.

As his mind shifted back into gear, from considering the indignity of his life nearly being finished by being run over by a shopping cart, Schuldig heard a faintly accented voice asking him if he was all right. Bringing his gaze to bear on his assailant, he realised with a faint shock that the person who had nearly killed him was, wonders of wonders, a friend of his Kätzchen. Was the man now trying to kill him by proxy, since he no longer could manage it on his own?

The unmistakable skirt and braids belonged to none other than the puppet he had used to get his Hertz out of the clutches of one too intense Yakuza gangster a few months back.

The man was looking at him with concern plain in his eyes, but the German could tell that he was also faintly amused by the sight of him laying with his ass in the overturned container of the oranges, and his torso and hair almost buried in bananas. The hentai thought Schuldig got coming from the other man, concerning his having gotten his ass in the wrong container, if he was looking for a little fun, was enough to kill any goodwill the embarrassed apologies the braided menace was uttering might have managed to elicit. Which wouldn’t have been much to start with.

A peeved Schuldig being a dangerous and often homicidal Schuldig, the poor American would have been better off running for his life. Alas, as the kilted boy’s brother well knew, Teddy Stout never was famed for his caution. So it was that, after helping his victim get out of his somewhat comical position, braid boy unwisely proposed to his new made ‘friend’ that they should go and have some coffee, his treat of course, for a little chat, and as a sort of reparation on his part, for the accident.

Schuldig, having already determined that the kilted man had great potential as far as possible mischief making went, readily accepted the offer. As the two men made their way out of the produce section of the supermarket and into the cafe and bar area, the telepath started to look around in the American’s head for some more information.

At least this American didn’t possess the phenomenal shielding of his one compatriot in Schwartz, who by the by, the man knew by sight… "Wait a minute," thought a seriously traumatised Schuldig, "he knows Crawford!!" With a little more rifling through the braided man’s head, the German had his answers. And boy, what answers! There were enough there to blackmail Oracle for the next few hundred years! For starters, the man had had a relationship with a person that had to be Farfarello! And as if that wasn’t enough, he was lusting over the damned Schwanzlutscher. Oh that was just too rich, and might turn out to have definite possibilities. As if that wasn’t enough, his Fearless Kaiser had also struck a deal with the man before him to get video footage of his Tuberose and the Wichser in bed… And the man belonged to Kritiker too. Well, the idea that one measly agent of that idiotic organisation, had nearly taken him out and of all things with a shopping cart, which was surely an exceptionally lame choice of weapon, even for a Kritiker agent, was actually pretty annoying for the German’s dignity too.

It was then that, suddenly, the telepath realised one thing. Bad Brad, as the American thought of Oracle, and the man before him had managed to get to see his Hertz naked on video, where the best *he* had managed was second-hand in the buff images coming from either Balinese’s mind or that of the little Hösenscheib er, Bombay. That was just plain unfair! And Schuldig decided then and there to get back at the two Americans for that.


They had by then made their way to a table somewhat to the back of the sterile looking coffee house that this commercial centre hosted. As they were sitting down, one of the myriad of comments the braided man was making struck an unpleasant chord in Schuldig, "… and we all went, my brother, my boyfriend Koyu and I, to this Bonenkai feast some friends gave… ", a clear mental image of Kudoh and his beloved embracing accompanied that comment. The following reminiscence his companion indulged in, instead, almost had him shouting ‘Eureka’. As the kilted hentai was explaining how he and his friend Kudoh had an ongoing competition to see who was sexier, he got a brief recollection of having checked upon his Süb er to find him leaving a smoky bar with this man’s boyfriend. A little Mastermind tinkering introduced into this situation might get the American to ditch his current lover to go after Balinese with a vengeance. "I am a genius of evil!" thought a now very chipper Schuldig.

Unfortunately, just at that moment his Tuberose and the Schwanzlutscher decided to get into another of their ‘recreational moments’ in the hothouse. While he was normally well shielded from such activities, unless he wanted to listen in, Schuldig’s barriers, after a week of continuous assault, were at an all time low, as he had discovered just this morning. "I will have the Wichser neutered, I swear," thought the put upon German before being enmeshed in his Kätzchen ’s sensations so deeply that he had no choice but to ride them out.[1]

Teddy had been in a nice conversation with the absolutely drop dead gorgeous fire-haired guy he had nearly run over; well, he had been talking and the man had mostly been listening, when he saw his interlocutor get a glazed look in his eyes as he moaned softly. At first, the braided Highlander wannabe feared that his fellow gaijin was starting to feel the consequences of some injury he had sustained in the collision, and which hadn’t been immediately apparent. At the next moan, a soft, "Why does he always have to end up as the uke…", followed by a "Oh yes more please," however, the youngest Stout had to rethink his previous conclusion.

"Oh yes, fuck me…" throatily moaned the oblivious German, as the flabbergasted American watched him contort in pleasure on his chair. "Yes there! No damn it, you Arschloch, at least get it right! Lower!! Oh mein Gott! Yes, just there! Aaah ah!" At this near shout from a writhing and nearly panting Schuldig, however, all the clientele of the coffee-house were let in on the secret. There were several indignant people who left, a few mixed reactions from older salary-men and plenty of delighted squeals and bug eyes from the young schoolgirls who apparently met there for a cup of tea and cake.

The initially somewhat taken aback Teddy decided to watch and enjoy. His new acquaintance was sure giving one hell of a performance. Seeing the lithe body contorting in pleasure, the American felt himself almost growing hard and had to remind himself of Koyu several times to avoid trying to drag the man out of there and to a place better suited for the sort of activity he was mimicking.

"Ah yes just like that! Yes, yes, faster, you Dummkopf, faster, I said. Oh heiliger Himmel, yes harder, harder, deeper, ahahah…" growled the writhing telepath, lost in the sensations coming from his Kätzchen’s mind. As elsewhere, one blond, sex-maniac of a florist, and we aren’t talking about Omi, hit precisely the right spot, the German let out a raucous animal yell of pleasure that had all of his audience gasping and biting on their lower lips, and came, creaming his nice white and, at this point, wet and consequently transparent, trousers.


When the gasping and wheezing assassin got back his breath and came down from the blissful high of pleasure he had just experienced, he realised that the clapping sound and catcalls he heard had nothing to do with the blood pounding in his ears. "To put it in one word: Scheib e," thought the abused Schwartz member, as he came to in a roomful of flushed, clapping and laughing people.

Well, this would have to be put to right immediately, considered the telepath, as he proceeded to have everyone in sight forget what had just happened. As the people went back to their interrupted activities as if nothing had been, however, and a very confused Teddy asked him where he had left his cart and whether they knew one another, Schuldig grinned fiendishly. With the information now in his possession, he could actually make things work out even better for him in the future. And his Tuberose would have to cave in after he had paired the Wichser with a new boyfriend, too.



Several months after the above mentioned events.

A very depressed Yohji stood in the empty shop. He should have closed it half an hour ago, but had kept open a little longer in the foolish hope that the Kitten would be coming home early this evening, and that he might manage to corner him once and for all. The man had been escaping him for weeks, ever since he had unwisely chosen As… Neu over his current lover. Not that things had been that simple. He hadn’t really wanted to leave the redhead, he had simply wished for the woman he had once loved to go back to being the person she had been. If only he could manage to make his boyfriend, well actually ex-boyfriend, see that. He was sure the younger man would take him back and things could go back to how they were before.

The only problem was this new love interest of the Kitten. Yohji was fairly certain there was someone else, and his deep fear that it might indeed be Schuldig couldn’t seem to leave him no matter how much rationalising he went through. After taking another look at the time, the chain-smoker had to give up his fond hope that Aya might be coming home, so he moved to finally close up.

But just as he was about to close, a frantic Teddy entered the shop. Giving the man an assessing glance, Yohji asked quietly, "Mission?" The American shook his head negatively, and after gaining back his breath inquired as to the whereabouts of his prodigal ex-boyfriend. Having gotten the somewhat sullen admission that Yohji didn’t know where Aya was, Teddy seemed to become even more frantic, and after looking up at the blond he commented, "I don’t know what to do, your boyfriend finally realising you were a moron and leaving you, that I can understand… You are just a dumb blond after all, and you haven’t got my suave charm. Also you are one treacherous bastard… What I don’t understand is why Koyu has practically disappeared. His neighbours told me they have seen him coming home either early in the morning or not at all, and he never is home when I visit or call. What is this? Long-standing-romances-getting-screwed-up season? And I didn’t betray the man, so there really is no reason for all this to be taking place… Damn and you know how I worry; there is no way my koi could be going around on his own. Someone has to have been coming around to pick him up, and I sort of hoped it had been you or Red and that he only needed some time to think. But now that you tell me Fujimiya isn’t out with him… I am afraid it might just be another man."

Through all the braided man’s long and passionate monologue, Yohji kept having this unpleasant, sneaky suspicion. Aya had almost freely admitted that he had someone else; Koyu, with whom said short-tempered assassin went along famously, seemed to be cheating on Teddy… Koyu being Aya’s new love interest seemed less of a stretch of imagination than Schuldig in the same role required, odd dreams notwithstanding . If things were indeed like that, Koyu, blind or not, Teddy’s boyfriend or not, would just have to die. No one touched his Kitten but Yohji! Breaking the news to Teddy of the possibility that their two errant lovers might be fooling with one another, though, mused the jealous assassin, wasn’t going to be easy or pleasurable.

The kilted man had been going on about how it was impossible for Koyu to have found someone who was as great and fun to be with as him, when his conclusion went right along in the direction Yotan’s thoughts had just taken. The American pest observed, "…and I don’t see where he could have found someone even half as gorgeous as me in the all of Japan, barring Red, but then he is taken…" A long nervous silence ensued. Looking at the sombre and sorrowful eyes of his partner in solitude, Yohji for the first time felt a little compassion for him. The florist was about ready to offer a compassionate shoulder for the other man to cry on, when he got tackled and nearly strangled by a furious Teddy, who shouted, "Damn you! You just had to screw up big time! You utter rat, you ruined my relationship too!! I would start chasing you down with a katana, shouting shi-ne, but you probably would like it; so let me *just* strangle you!"

As he got trashed about by the shorter man, an accepting Yohji couldn’t help but think that really, strangling seemed to be very in, at this last period of his life, when the furious gaijin seemed to come to the selfsame realisation. "Upon second consideration," observed a still peeved but no longer homicidal Teddy, "You probably would like strangling too. So, tell you what, you are going to help me track our errant boyfriends down and then if they are together, you *WILL* find a way for me to get Koyu back! So let’s go to work!" With that pronouncement, the kilted man let go of the neck of the somewhat worse for wear Yohji and dragged him down to the computer room. After half an hour of rifling about, a shouted "Omi!! How the heck do you circumvent these thirty passwords?!" brought to the two ditched boys the necessary help for tracking down their significant others. The hunt was on.


A few kilometres away, a fire-haired man’s lips broke into a satisfied smirk as, lying at the side of his Knuddelhäschen, he contemplated how best to get the two twin idiots out here to discover their beloved in each other’s embrace.


In the Schwartz safe-house, a laughing Farfarello gave another pat on the head to his new plaything. Said human puppet sighed in resignation as he commented, "No I don’t see why putting Nagi’s teddy bear in the blender would hurt God. But then," he dead-panned, "I am blind… So there is no way I could see a thing." Actually, the poor prisoner, AKA Koyu, thought that if his boyfriend didn’t get his ass in the line to save him, there would really be one Teddy-bear put into a blender. A week of being held hostage by these freaky types was starting to become old. Especially when you had to deal with two dour ice-cubes, one manipulating bastard and the only ray of sunshine in your life came from a crazy psycho who was into self-harm. Sighing, the man prayed that his TB would come soon. As the whirring of the blender started again assaulting his ears, the man thought, "Soon doesn’t really cut it. Right *now* would be the thing…"


Later that same day.

A few hours of computer time, with the chibi’s help of course, had managed to net Yohji and his companion an address, that of a somewhat seedy motel a few kilometres away from the flower-shop. Now, standing outside of the building where Koyu had reserved a room for all of today and tomorrow, seeing the white Porsche parked just a few meters away from the entrance, the two men had to deal with the confirmation of their unpleasant suspicions.

With a sigh, the blond commented, "What do you say we enter and try to obtain visual confirmation, or… you’d rather… we just confront them afterwards?" His brunette, braided companion sighed and answered, "I don’t really know… I wish I could tell which solution would give the best results… but…" It was then that a faint mischievous light entered the American’s eyes. With a curt, "Stay here I have to make a phone call," the kilted man left his cohort to his own devices and went to look for a public phone. Having found the necessary implement to phase one of his plans, the youngest of the Stout brothers carefully got out of his sporran a battered piece of paper. Punching in the phone number marked on the paper, the American grinned evilly, certain as he was that he would get to have his vengeance and have his boyfriend back. "Moshi moshi," he said when someone picked up on the other side of the line, then "Yes, I’d like to know what I can do and the possible consequences." After a long pause he observed in a somewhat diffident tone, "And what payment would that be?" An even longer pause was followed by "Is there really no other choice? And you are sure that I will get Koyu back… Well, seeing as they broke up already, OK… You think I had better get Kudoh very drunk before… Mmmh, OK see you in three hours…"

After hanging up, the brunette made his way back to where he had left his companion only, to find him smoking two cigarettes at the same time, while trying to light a third. The number of consumed butts on the ground providing further testament to the nervousness of the blond, he felt somewhat justified in proposing they go for a drink to ease up their nerves a bit before going face to face with the betrayers. After all, they had the whole of the night and the next day to catch them with their hands in the jam pot, so to speak.

Some twenty beers afterwards on Kudoh’s side, and a good ten on Stout’s, saw them trying to make their way back to the motel. When they got there they found a bespectacled figure waiting for them. The tall, amber eyed American intercepted them before they entered, in his hands he carried a key that he had secured a few seconds before. The key was for the room just to the side of the one the other two men’s kois had reserved. Crawford, for obviously who else but Bad-Brad could get Teddy out of such a fix, had his usual impassive mask on as he observed, "You are late, but then I knew you would be. Shall we go inside?"

The spluttering Yohji found himself dragged inside by Ragdoll long before he had any possibility to enquire as to Oracle’s presence. The three men made their way up the stairs and into their room. From the room just to their left, they could hear voices that sounded suspiciously like Koyu and Aya grunting and shouting. No longer needing any more confirmation of what was going on between their two ex’s, the Kritiker member meekly followed the Schwartz leader to the room he had reserved. They had barely entered the premises when the Oracle told them to get naked. At Yohji’s shout of protest, the man just shut him up by kissing him. Having gone without any Kitten for the last few weeks, and having only traces of blood in his alcohol, Yotan found himself responding to the violent kiss of their opposing team’s leader. All too soon, he found himself naked and pressed wantonly against Crawford’s arousal. When he found himself crowded by a very naked Teddy too, the beleaguered blond, sandwiched between the two Americans, had no other recourse but to go with the flow. [2]


The next morning, or rather afternoon…

Yohji woke up against a slightly warm and moving pillow. Behind him he could hear a softly snoring sound. His head hurt like hell and felt terribly light, but being no stranger to a good honest-to-God hangover, the blond florist cum assassin managed to take stock of the current situation. He was sleeping sprawled on Crawford’s chest; the man was awake and looking at him with a blissful smile that practically screamed ‘I got some.’ Yotan found himself rubbing his case of the morning wood almost absently against the American’s entrance. Apparently, Oracle wasn’t adverse to the idea of another round as he too was definitely happy about the current situation, as evidenced by his impressive erection. OK, this was just too weird even by Yohji’s standards. Bringing a hand to his head to pull at his hair in frustration, the distressed Weiss encountered not his luxuriant curls but a few spiky locks sticking this way and that, Farfarello style. It was then that Yohji’s mind decided to jump-start. He run it all by himself one more time… Sprawled on Crawford’s chest, check, hard as a rock, check, rubbing against the leader of Schwartz, check, Oracle with a hard on too, check, a soft snoring presence behind him who just happened to be Teddy Stout, check, said Teddy Stout was naked too and his neck was covered in bite marks, check, his fabulous hair all gone, check… "Aaaaaahhhhhh" shouted the poor, abused playboy. It was then that the door opened, revealing a pissed-off Aya standing in the doorway, katana at the ready. The redhead took in the scene and predictably commented, "You cheated on me with Crawford and Stout?! Kudoh shi-ne!"


"AAAAaaaaaahhhhhh" With a desperate yell, Yohji jerked awake. The headache was completely gone, he wasn’t in a hotel room and he had an armful of his Kitten, who, having been woken by his screams, was now awake and looking at him worriedly. "Thank God, it was only a dream," thought the terrorised blond. Looking into the gorgeous violet eyes of his lover, he decided that he might as well try and forget all about it by making love to his Ayan. Faintly, he could hear a woman’s voice in his head cautioning that should he choose unwisely, the nightmare might well become the truth…


Crawford woke up feeling blissfully rested. He had had such an incredible dream. In his dream, he had been having sex with Teddy, which sort of felt wrong, and with his crush, Yohji Kudoh of Weiss. It had been a blissful sensation, the feeling of the man claiming him making him cry out in pleasure. As he got up, Oracle realised that his pyjama bottoms presented suspicious looking stains. Well, it had been quite the dream; one he hoped would become reality, he thought while getting dressed in his cream coloured three-piece suit. It was then that a pair of arms embraced him from behind, and a lean body pressed against him. Crawford got ready to punch the person, who he thought had to be Schuldig, in the jaw when a vision assaulted him revealing the identity of his aggressor and his motives.

"Well Farfarello, how come you are so interested this morning?" the American asked tensely. The Irishman chuckled sinisterly and commented, "I heard you cry out last night, and remembered how we used to hurt God together by committing the Sin of Sodomy. I want to do it again. God shall cry soon!" Well, considered a breathless Crawford a few minutes afterwards, if all it took to interest his reticent lover was a wet dream, he might not need Kudoh at all.


Teddy woke up to see a worried Koyu hovering over him and caressing his face carefully, as if trying to memorise each of its features. "Never leave me for Red," the American whispered to his lover, "I am much more fun, OK?" Koyu smiled coyly and observed, "I would never leave you Teddy-bear! Just try and play gallant knight for me every now and then…"


Schuldig was in a fine snit again. All that work to try and create dissension in the rose coloured romance of his Tuberose and the Wichser, and ten minutes after the end of the mother of all nightmares those two were at it again! And they weren’t the only ones either. Apparently Brad and Farfarello too were celebrating the New Year together, as were the braided nuisance and his boyfriend. All that research and this was what he got, fumed the German, as he was once more sucked into the flood of sensations coming from Aya. "Well," was the last conscious thought the telepath found drifting in his mind, much later, just before falling to sleep sated, "all in all, the situation isn’t all bad."



[1] Is this scene familiar? Should be, it’s the one from which I got the idea for the title.

[2] Coughs… you have imagination. OK insert lemon… Don’t know how things went cause Yotan was sort of out of it and couldn’t tell.

So it was YxCxT… Oh my, I am evil! But hey it was also TxKoyu, YxA, FxC… technically speaking even Schuldig got some…

Lilla: *Coughs* Yes I AM evil. But *points to a satisfied smirking Schuldig* it was his fault!!!

Schuldig: Well you had your share of fun with me too!

Lilla: Too true…

Schuldig: And I thought you liked me!

Lilla: But I do…

Yohji: You think she hurt you! She hooked me up with Teddy and that stick in the ass Crawford!?

Lilla: But hem well poor Braddy sort of deserved a little action…

Crawford: Oh the indignity… ^.^ More please!

Lilla: Greedy aren’t we?

Crawford: Yep!

Aya: Lilla you gave my Yotan to that hentai… prepare to die!

Lilla: But, but I did it for love!

Yotan: You are joking right?!

Lilla: I am not! Never heard of how you always torture those you love?! And anyway technically it was all dearest Schuldig’s fault!

Schuldig: She said she loves me… I get the feeling I should start running…

Lilla: You probably should … But take heart next time it won’t be comical.

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